Wanna Check Your Sperm Count?

You know the way you walk into a pharmacy, go to the blood pressure machine, fold your sleeve, slide your hand into the machine, press the red button, watch as the cuff tighten round your arm as you wait for the machine to read your blood pressure. That is the kind of machine I am thinking of inventing for checking sperm counts.

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Yes, it has come to that.

For those who live outside the Western world, this may be a problem that has not reached your neck of the wood. But all across the Western world, the sperm count of men are falling faster than the stock markets. It is so bad that fertility clinics are swamped by men donating sperms and those testing to see what their sperm counts are.

There are varying reasons why sperm counts are falling. Some say it is in the water. Some say it is in the air. Some say it is in the food. Some say it is in the kind of underwear men put on. Briefs are bad. Boxers are good. Silky women slips are highly recommended, but nobody seems to know where to buy it.

Everyone, however, agrees that the problem is part of the side effects of the bigger environmental degradation that came about as a result of industrialization and the waste it left behind. Whatever the cause is, men are carrying about sacks of scrotums that can no longer produce sperms. This phenomenon is becoming worldwide.

Alarmists are predicting that sooner or later, men may not be necessary. Some sperm banks are busy buying up sperms and storing them in super cold rooms for use centuries away from now. Mind you, they separate sperms in three categories – those from Ivy League donors, those from regular college graduates and others. I wonder where George W. Bush’s sperm would go should he donate. When the last man produces the last drop of sperm, all other births will now come from women inseminated with sperms bought from the sperm banks. You think crude oil was expensive last summer, wait until you know how much a drop of sperm would cost then.

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That is the world to come. Smart people like me are beginning to prepare for those days.

In the meantime, many men need to know what their sperm count is. Many who are working hard to conceive need to know when the count is large enough to embark on the work of shooting the sperms across the tunnel into the tube and down the bla bla bla channel. And that is where I come in. This bright idea of mine will not only create lives, it will also save marriages. Yes. In case you have not noticed, one of the reasons why divorce is high is that women are tired of men who walk around with sacks of scrotums that produce no sperms.

I want to design a machine that a can help men out in this regard. I want men to be able to walk into a pharmacy, go to a sperm count machine, pull their pants down, slide their thing into the machine, press the red button, watch the cuff tighten around their thing and wait for the machine to read their sperm count.

Wanna check your sperm count?