The Devil's Dictionary - Nigerian edition

Abuja: A country created out of Nigeria by those who spoiled Nigeria and for those who spoiled Nigeria.

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ACN: A shop set up by Bola Tinubu to force PDP to pay him for a landslide.

Aso Rock: A prison built specifically for the man who holds the key to the Central Bank vaults.

Babangida: A Nigerian politician who achieved what was once thought impossible – he syndicated corruption.

Board of Directors of Political Parties: Crooks who impersonate statesmen.

Campus: A training camp for future pastors, politicians and prostitutes.

Columnists: Pundits who practice cash for hand, column for ground.

Congregation: Normal people who do not know they are not ordinary.

Comrade: A man who still wears a safari suit even when the temperature is over 100 degrees centigrade.

CPC: A vehicle used by Sani Abacha’s son to launder his father’s loot.

Daddy (in the Lord): A general overseer who has walked on top of water just to show off.

Deacon/Deaconess: A title you get when you are too contaminated to be a pastor and yet too valuable- for your tithe – to be an ordinary floor member.

Defriend: To clean out ones’ Facebook friend’s list. It usually involves taking out haters, trouble making lovers, jealous former lovers, convicted former friends and dead friends.

Diaspora: Stupid and unimaginative cowards busting their behinds abroad to make $100,000 a year – an amount senators earn in a month without breaking sweat.

Diplomat: A failed politician who as a reporter for his country sees no evil, hears no evil and reports no evil.

EFCC: An agency that pulls down the pants of a disfavored crook until the crook drops something.

Election: A means of resetting the musical chair of politicians involved in the stealing game.

Enough is Enough: A preferred expression of men without balls.

Evangelists: A title given to a man or woman who has graduated from preaching inside luxurious buses.

Evolution: A process of seamlessly mashing the new breed politicians with the old breed without leaving a stretch mark.

Facebook: A safe heaven for a president who wants to be liked and befriended but knows not how to earn them.

Friends of a politician: Groupies willing to be screwed for a drop of juice from a politician’s table.

GCFR: A title given to a certified criminal who the State considers too big to be arrested.

General Overseer: Any man who is able to convince a group of people that he was at the manger when Jesus was born.

Honorable: A title given to those who are allergic to honor.

Immunity: Like a bullet proof vest given as a baptismal gift to armed robbers.

Intellectuals: People whose only job is to think for their country- even if the country is burning and their bucket is full of water.

Jegajega: A natural progression from Wuruwuru.

Jonathan: Too humble to be strong, too clueless to be great and too weak to put it all together.

Junk: The thing stuffed inside the brain compartment of a Nigerian politician. Researchers at the University of Lagos believe it is made of saw dust soaked in cunning fluid.

Marriage: The last bus stop for a wife and the first pick up point for mistresses.

National Assembly: A place where $1,000,000 a year earners decide if it is time for millions of $1 a day earners to be paid $2 a day.

Niger Delta: A compost site where farmers get crude oil.

Nollywood: Film makers who celebrate the very things Nigerians want to hide.

Okija Shrine: A launch pad for the black man’s predator drone. Important people go there to buy immunity from attack by depositing their DNA in its sensory portal.

Olusegun Obasanjo: A politician who has mastered the art of keeping himself trending by pissing down his leg.

Pastors: Ordinary people who do not know they are not normal.

PDP: A party that is so fraudulent that it buys more votes than is necessary to win every election.

Personal Assistant: A well-dressed politicians’ baby sitter who also picks up laundry from the drycleaners.

Pointblanknews: News made up by reliable sources.

Pundits: Journalism equivalent of charge-and-bail lawyers.

Radical: A vocal politician with no record of doing anything.

Rogue: A politician who plays with himself.

Security vote: An unspecified amount of money given to governors and other chief executives to encourage them to steal government money.

Snob: Like a woman who won’t swallow.

Stakeholders: A group of foxes with blood stains on their mouths and loot in their pockets.

State House of Assembly Members: A group of idiots put together for the sole purpose of sanctioning whatever idiotic idea the idiot-in-chief sends down to them.

Testimony: Public rehearsal of would-be- Nollywood actors, typically in front of a church’s congregation.

Thugs: Unemployed men who exploit politicians’ desire to always have people around them.

Worker: A title given to a man or woman in church who is still preaching inside the molue.

Youth Corpers: Lambs sacrificed on the altar of national unity. Usually youths sent to a part of the country they will never live in, by a nation that never cares about them, for a mission the nation cannot articulate.