Let me introduce myself. I 'm Oscar...I AM an alcoholic.
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You might know me from around here. I write when I can and try to shed light on my country's present turmoil and rage. I've tried to maintain an open line of communication with those who read my posts; I have made it my goal to leave no question or comment unanswered. I am one man, I can't offer much, but I can offer respect and honesty to all who approach me. I have been on a path to discover myself; I believe we are constantly changing and growing. I am a average person who has walked some wrong paths, but I've learned and have gained wisdom, strength, and respect. Today I will share with you a secret which few people know, a truth which I have not hidden, but seldom divulge.
Today, September 6, 2008, I have officially been sober for two years. It's not an event for world news media coverage, but victorious in it's own.
I'm still not sure exactly how I got to where I ended up two years ago, for that matter I'm not sure how I got to where I am today. I know I drunkenly stumbled and staggered alot of roads in my life; one day, I just didn't have the energy to get up and keep staggering.
In the beginning, I always had someone to blame for my actions, at least the ones I could remember. My wife and I were arguing, the kids weren't behaving, my business associate was not pulling his load, blah, blah, blah. In the end I realized I am the one who controls my actions. I choose how to react, I chose to drink.
In the beginning, I had never hurt my family, so I thought. My kids actually seemed to benefit, after all, it was in my drunken stupors I gave them extra permissions, money, and showed them my love. Somehow I failed to see or acknowledge their reactions in the mornings after. At times they were angry at unkind words I had spewed. Other days they were sad, for I had belittled and berated them. I can't really say what had really happened. I always remember the good, hugging them, kissing them, and wishing them well. It was obvious I was losing large periods of time.
I am a smart man, I was able to admit to blackouts, but I had away around it, I began carrying a notebook and writing mini-diaries. These diaries were to allow me to see the truth the next morning, unfortunately I couldn't read, much less admit to, what was written in plain black and white. It was if another man had taken over. In the beginning, my writings were just average thoughts, as the hours passed, the thoughts darkened, even the form of writing and word use had changed. I had literally lost myself, none the less, I continued.
I firmly believed I wasn't an alcoholic, those people are really bad. Sure, I drank, I drank a lot, but alcoholic, that was taking it too far. I had never been pulled over for drunk driving. Although I do admit to having to literally cover one eye to stop from seeing double, I never had an accident. I still worked, I never missed a day. I was still bringing home money, I was NOT an alcoholic.
I remember after years of promising to quit, non-stop fights with my wife, pleadings from my children, and my continued drinking, something changed. I noticed my wife stopped calling me to see if I was alright and pleading with me to come home. My kids no longer shared their day with me, and more ofton than not, I would come home, staggering, and hear laughter before entering the front door. I could hear the giddy, loving conversations taking place between my wife and our children, but when I entered, they became silent and soon all went their way. I realized I was no longer a part of their family, they had stopped pushing for my change, and decided to self preserve the remaining four. Their life continued. They remained united and continued existing, without me.
I wish I could say I was awakened with that realization, but it took quite a while longer to sink to my lowest. The time did finally come. I can't say I saw the light or that God came down to show me the way, but I knew I couldn't go on. On that day, two years ago, after awakening with a hangover much larger than my ego and ignorance, I let go.
I didn't go to A.A., I didn't want the world to know of my shame, but I did do great research on their practice and theories. It wasn't easy fighting my demons alone. I had burned so many bridges, the bottle was my closest friend, a friend I was losing, it hurt and I mourned. Nonetheless, day by day I counted my blessings, made amends, and one day at a time, I confronted my truths. It is said "Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic", I have decided to use that scarlet letter "A", my self imposed branding, as a reminder of who I was then and who I am now; most importantly, that letter is used to remind me, there is a very thin line dividing us.
