English as she is spoken in India - and Pakistan

Last September, there appeared in the London newspaper The Telegraph a delightful piece on Indian English by Amrit Dhillon, marking the publication of a Penguin book on "Indlish," which is as good a name for Indian English as I can think of. For Pakistani English - a twin sister to Indlish - I propose Pinglish, which sounds about right.

The book is titled 'From the Backside Only' , a phrase often seen on signposts to indicate the rear entrance to a building. Binoo John, the author, argues that young Indians have embraced this variant of the language as a charming offspring resulting from the mingling of English and Hindi, rather than treating it as an embarrassing mongrel.

John, a journalist, said he was inspired by such phrases as

politicians "air-dashing" to their destination; "issueless" couples; and people "preponing" meetings, preponing being the antonym of postponing. A driver, when asked what he does, may refer to his occupation as "drivery." He also keeps his "stepney" in the "dicky." Housemaids on their way to buy vegetables go "marketing." Receptionists ask callers, "What is your good name?" before informing them that the boss has gone "out of station" with his "cousin-brother. " A government official urged farmers in Rajastan to grow "herbs in their backsides."

In his article, Dhillon listed a glossary from the book of the latest lingo in India (and Pakistan of course). "Dear sir, with reference to your above see my below" - a popular opening line in official letters.

"Your lyrical missive has enveloped me in the sweet fragrance of our love" - from a book advising lovers on how to write to girlfriends.

"Pritam Singh has left for his heavenly above" - a death notice. "Hue and Cry notice" - the title of a police missing person newspaper advertisement.

"Don't do nuisance in public" - a government admonition

against urinating in public.

To this I would add that anywhere you see the word "Welcome" in Pakistan or India, it will always be two words: "Well Come."

And one of the most mispronounced English words in Pakistan - even Benazir Bhutto was no exception - is "sovereignty, " which is pronounced not "sovrunty" but "sov-ranity. "

The Subcontinent notwithstanding, the uses of English around the world are even more hilarious. Someone once sent me an email with a

collection of these gems, so here they are.

In a Tokyo Hotel: "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

In another Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button

for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please

leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors

are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11AM daily."

In a Yugoslav hotel: "The flattening of underwear with

pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. "

In another Japanese hotel:"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. "

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel opposite a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to

hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make;

limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;

roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people'sfashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: "Drop your trousers here for best

results."

Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking." In

a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush wewill execute customers in strict rotation."

From a Soviet weekly:

"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic

painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel

porter."

In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of

entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is

suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

An advertisement

by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In

a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time."

A sign at a Czech tourist agency: "Take

one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. "

An advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride

on your own ass?"

In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made

for ladies from their own skin."

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden

to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo

bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen

airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all

directions."

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If

you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the

office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

In

an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water

served here."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel

air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of

warm in your room, please control yourself."

From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight,

tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still

obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour."

The last mentioned Japanese direction may perhaps be applied

profitably to the present political scene in Pakistan. We need to

tootle those in charge with vigour, because trumpeting them

melodiously just has not worked.

(Reproduction of an article Printed in Friday Times)