Dr. Damages Interviews Dr. Goodluck Jonathan (Part 2)

Dr. Damages: Some responsible people think the way you got in was illegal. Can you differentiate” a remedy that is desperate from the one that is dangerous”?

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Jonathan: We restored calm. That is what matters. We shut up the likes of Wole Soyinka who were already getting excited. We basically told those aged radicals looking for their last hurrah, calm down kids, we got it.

Dr. Damages: Nigerians feel they have taken so much abuse from the ruling class and…

Jonathan: (Interrupts) You’re talking about abuse? Can you imagine the abuse I have taken from those bastards? You cannot imagine that. You all think I’m lucky to be where many of you can never reach. But I take daily abuses that many of you cannot tolerate.

Dr. Damages: Are you talking about abuse from the Northern oligarchy?

Jonathan: I don’t know what that expression means. I am talking about the abuse I take from the Fakas.

Dr. Damages: Who are the Fakas? Your wife’s people?

Jonathan: Leave that side, my friend. Let us talk about my vision for Nigeria.

Dr. Damages: The one Gowon signed or the one Babangida approved?

Jonathan: You sound so cynical. Don’t forget that it is the same constitution that gave me power that put those men in their role in government. You cannot have one and reject the other.

Dr. Damages: I’m presenting the feeling of regular Nigerians.

Jonathan: I know the regular Nigerians. I was a regular Nigerian. I know that all they want is an opportunity to progress and live a better life the way I have.

Dr. Damages: Are you going to provide it for them?

Jonathan: Of course. That is part of my vision. If only critics like you will hear me out.

Dr. Damages: Ok. Give me the most prominent part of your vision.

Jonathan: I envision a country where every man would be named Goodluck and every woman would be named Patience. It would be transformational. No more tribalism. No more religious crises. No more poverty.

Dr. Damages: How will you achieve that?

Jonathan: By paying the National Assembly to pass a law mandating the name change for all Nigerians.

Dr. Damages: Is that your own form of rebranding?

Jonathan: That is part of a bigger plan of changing the way things are.

Dr. Damages: What qualities do you want in your vice-president?

Jonathan: Do I have a say in who becomes one?

Dr. Damages: I thought you were the president?

Jonathan: Acting.

Dr. Damages: Ok. Acting president.

Jonathan: I am. But I don’t want to meddle in what is not my business.

Dr. Damages: But it is your business. He will be your right hand man.

Jonathan: All I care about is that he should not be taller than I.

Dr. Damages: What if she is a woman?

Jonathan: Naaaa! Who born her?

Dr Damages: On August 8, 2007, you declared that you were worth N295, 304, 420 million Naira. How did someone who was a university lecturer become that rich in less than ten years?

Jonathan: (Visibly relieved) I was scared you were going to ask me how my wife made her fortune.

Dr Damages: How much are you worth now?

Jonathan: I don’t know. We haven’t found a calculator brainy enough to do the sum.

Dr. Damages: Is it true that you plan to rehabilitate former governor Diepreye Alamieyesigha?

Jonathan: I remain loyal.

Dr. Damages: Do you plan to make him minister?

Jonathan: If Achike Udenwa is a minister, why can’t he?

Dr. Damages: Your grandma nicknamed you Azikiwe.

Jonathan: I have Zik’s smile. (He smiles)

Dr. Damages: The question is do you have his political skills?

Jonathan: I’ve already surpassed his achievements. I have a PhD. He had just a master’s degree. I am an acting president. He was a ceremonial president. I own real mansions. He owned Zik’s flats.

Dr. Damages: You once worked as a Preventive Officer in the Department of Customs and Excise. Was that where you met your wife?

Jonathan: No. But why?

Dr Damages: I’m thinking of allegation about her smuggling activities and money laundering charges.

Jonathan: As far as I know, the charges went away with Ribadu. And as soon as I marry a second wife, my patience will take a back seat.

Dr Damages: How do you plan to get Nigeria off the list of terrorist nations?

Jonathan: I will grant amnesty to all terrorists living and working in Nigeria. My government will pay them livable wages. I will make sure they are trained so that they can be gainfully employed. You know kids of nowadays. It is idleness that leads them into temptation.

Dr. Damages: I’m talking about the likes of Umar Farouk Abdukmutalleb?

Jonathan: Between you and me, I don’t think the kid is a Nigerian.

Dr Damages: But his father was the chairman of First Bank PLC. He is now the chairman of Islamic Bank.

Jonathan: Nobody told me that. Islamic Bank? I must call the Americans and tell them. If he is associated with Islamic Bank his son must be home grown.

Dr. Damages: What’re you implying? That man is an honorable man. He called the Americans himself and reported his son. What is nobler?

Jonathan: Don’t be fooled. He called the Americans just to save his ass.

Dr. Damages: His ass, Mr. President?

Jonathan: Ok. Edit that out. He called the Americans to save his behind. Just imagine what the Americans would have done to all his money stashed in foreign banks if he had not reported the wayward boy. Before you say Bernanke, they would have frozen all his assets and declare that they have found a major sponsor of global terrorism. Look, I am going to call the Americans myself.

Dr. Damages: Alright then.

Jonathan: Please don’t yank my feet out on the front yard. Could you edit that part out?

Dr Damages: But it already in the News.

Jonathan: You think I have been watching the news since my principal left?

Dr Damages: Why not?

Jonathan: The petticoat is never relaxed on the body.

Dr. Damages: What has changed since you were named acting president?

Jonathan: I’ve upgraded my wine collection.

Dr. Damages: What did you acquire?

Jonathan: 1787 Chateau Laffite and 1787 Chateau Margaux.

Dr. Damages: The two most expensive…

Jonathan: Yes.

Dr. Damages: That’s something.

Jonathan: Whenever you come to Abuja do stop by. Let us celebrate life. It is not healthy for one to spend a lifetime just criticizing others.

Dr. Damages: I will think about it.

Jonathan: It may interest you to know that I now drink Dom Romane Conti. I used to drink Château latour Pauillac but I have upgraded to this red Burgundy from France. Its rich aroma smells of wild spices and cooked leather. It penetrates the bones. It is a vintage brew with an exquisite color that wakes the heart of any man. Its spectacular charm is in its continuing maturity even as it slides leisurely down your throat. It makes the mouth feel luxurious. Once it touches your taste bud, it infuses elegance to your shine. It elicits a passionate draw for good life in those who know its value. You can distinguish it from other cheap wines by its sumptuous aftertaste that erases the memory of any other wine you ever drank. Its opulent flavor magnates women the way hibiscus nectar magnates bees. It is the most magnificent experience of this life.

Dr Damages: I hear you. Good luck to you, Sir.

Jonathan: Thank you.

Dr Damages: Viewers, that’s the one and the only acting president, Goodluck Jonathan. Until next time, thank you all for watching and good night.