Communication disasters!

HUMOUR IN COMMUNICATIONS ----3

Thanks to my keen interest in matters culinary I have befriended chefs in high places. Readers may have been introduced to Alonso. This man is the chef in the Indian cuisine department at the White House and is the brother of that famous Chennai private detective Alphonso who has solved many a mystery at my behest.

HUMOUR IN COMMUNICATIONS ----3

I also happen to know the cook at Dayalu Ammal’s house — this kindly lady is, to those un-initiated into Tamilnadu politics — the Chief Minister’s wife and I know the chef in the tandoori department at the CM’s house at Chennai.

Let me take turns with these culinary luminaries.

I happened to tell my Delhi based PM’s chef Ashokji maharaj that I would like to offer free consultancy and training to many of our top leaders including the Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

‘Their body language is sad. In fact our PM reminds me of that old comic character Sad Sack.’ I added ‘He whimpers and squeaks when he ought to speak with authority. Look at the way Obama speaks even nonsense with dignity, confidence and panache.’

Chef Ashok told me re-assuringly that he would talk to the PM when the latter is relaxing after a meal of sarson ka saag and makke ki roti.

Last week I rang up Ashok again ‘Look at the way PM is talking about the CVC affair. He speaks as if he has committed a sin. He cannot even speak half as confidently as Lalooji. This Bihar hero says without batting an eyelid that all allegations against him are a saazish by communal phorces. And he has got away with it for years. Does anyone remember the fodder scam?’ I screamed. ’Tell the PM I am willing to speak to him about body language on the phone if he has no time for a personal discussion’ I shouted. 'Sirji I told PMji about your desire to coach him on body language. He felt it is below his dignity’.

‘Why is that so?’

‘Sirji he prefers parliamentary language.‘

I was at first dumbstruck. What the…

I was about to bark into the phone when I realised that the PM meant he did not approve of ‘bawdy’ language. My friend Malhotra tells me that a true man from the land of 5 rivers ought not to flinch from profanities. ‘It’s all well meant fun’ he clarified.

A communications disaster indeed.

How was the scene at Karunanidhi’s house?

It was a cosy homely scene. Dayalu Ammal Kalaignar Karunandhi [DAKK] — the CM’s wife - was watching a tamil man / two wives / two brothers / bahus serial on Sun TV with her tandoor department cook Palanimanickamsoundarapandian [called PMSP when an order is to be placed in a hurry] sitting on the floor by her chair side.

The bosswoman DAKK flipped channels when this news flash caught her eye.

‘KANIMOZHI TO BE QUESTIONED BY CBI’

Not knowing any English DAKK asked PMSP what that item meant.

The chef knew little of that language and tried his best ‘Amma our paapa will be asked questions by someone called CBI.’

‘Why? Who is CBI?’

‘Amma our paapa is a big powerful girl. So people will ask her questions.’

Not satisfied, DAKK switched channels to NDTV where the anchor Barkha Dutt screamed ‘Kanimozhi to be quizzed by CBI’.

‘What is this all about, Pmsp?’ asked the lady, now somewhat scared.

‘Oh that is nothing amma. Kani paapa is taking part in a quiz programme.‘

The lady switched to CNN/IBN only to hear Rajdeep Sardesai scream ‘CBI to grill Kanimozhi.’

Now the bosswoman DAKK was not to be taken lightly.

‘Pmsp. Now you must tell me clearly what all his means. First you said something about ‘questions’ then you said something about quiz programs, now what is this ’grill?’‘

‘Amma even I am scared. I use a grill everyday. Remember tandoori chicken that you and Kalaignar like very much. Chicken 65 that I make like in Buhari hotel? I am scared CBI may use a grill’ Pmsp ran out crying into the kitchen.

‘Wait PMSP. Is this something like the tandoor murder case?”

K.R.RAVI

WWW.KRRAVI.COM