Anger killing me every minute!

I get so angry these days that I continue shouting and howling until my two year old daughter gets really scared of me and my husband bangs his office phone down.

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An unpredictable emotion, it gets on me, holds me so tight for that particular moment when I really let it take control. Once it’s cooled, yes when those particular two or three minutes have passed, I sit back and think, curse myself for having done such a thing.

So I decided to sit back and write about it, share with all of you to see whether everybody face this problem or is it just me (In my heart I really hope this problem is with everybody, I don’t want to stand out). As I write this read more about it, I really hope that one day I would come out as a winner. I don’t really want to be at the mercy of such a powerful emotion and neither do I want my daughter to grow up and shout like this. When my anger calms down I look at my daughter and see what she ahs gone through because of me. I try very many times not to hit her, but my shouts and screams, it seems do her more than just hurt.

So how did all of this start?

I remember as a young girl, I would shout and scream at my mom for not having things the way I want them to be. When I grew a little older, the shouts and screams were accompanied with this intolerable irritation. Situations got worse when I was pregnant but thank heavens, I could at least blame it on pregnancy hormones and post delivery the blame shifted to post partum depression.

My analysis

Reasons could be various, for us to get angry, the situations are not right or things are not happening the way we want them to be or even small little things like erratic work hours, tensions, stress, overloaded with work. At every stage in life situations have changed, but these things have remained the same. At school, it was the amount of home work and not being able to play when we wanted to, not to mention the expectations of parents. In my case I had very good parents, who never pressurised me into anything and I had complete liberty to do things in my way (yes they did supervise and controlled me; they are a little conservative as well). At work, it was long hours, not being able to catch up with friends, boss who would always expect too much and always remember things to do at the end of the day, these things have piled on since then and are coming out as this disastrous emotion. Now that I am sitting at home, the whole thing of not really doing anything gets me angry; when I see people around me able to multitask and women who can really manage their house and family at par. It’s not that there aren’t things to do at home. Managing a home is a much harder task than any of my reporting assignments till now, but perhaps I miss that and not being able to do what you want to do, really gets on to you.

Effects

Believe me apart from parents and spouse no body is going to take this! Anger is best expressed in front of parents and with spouse things can get out of control if you forget your limit. It effects life, your relations with friends, family, neighbours, everybody.

After having written down so much, it has finally made me a little calmer. Hopefully next time on I’ll think before I really would want to punch somebody right in the face. But yes it is very difficult to control the situation and not let anger conquer you!

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